


I Won't Let Go

by CatelynTsukino



Series: GoT based stories [5]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Episode Fix-it: s08e04 The Last of the Starks, F/M, Love Confessions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 12:14:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29489631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatelynTsukino/pseuds/CatelynTsukino
Summary: "Jaime, when I say you're a good man, I'm not being delusional. You've made mistakes, Iknow.""Then why are you here?"Because I love you, she wants to scream. "Because I believe everyone can choose to be better", she says instead, but no less sincerely.
Relationships: Jaime Lannister/Brienne of Tarth
Series: GoT based stories [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2120760
Comments: 10
Kudos: 90





	I Won't Let Go

**Author's Note:**

> Last fic post before Lent! As I said in my ongoing fics, I'll stay far from fanfiction (reading and writing) for the next 40 days - except maybe on Sundays, when the Catholic Church gives us our weekly reprieve :D
> 
> Anyway, about the story: the amount of complaints I have about the scene in which Jaime leaves Brienne is long, and this fic focuses on exploring them in one way or another. Enjoy!

He isn't beside her when she wakes up. That itself would not be odd—depending on how much he had tired her out in the previous night, he'd wake up before her—if the sun was already up. But it's not.

There's a soft small valley on the space he usually occupies on the bed, meaning he had been there until not long ago. _Perhaps he just went to use the privy or grab a night meal_ , she supposes, but, just as she adjusts her position to fall back asleep, she notices something in the corner—or better, the _lack_ of something.

His sword is not resting alongside hers.

He once let it escape that he found it 'romantic' to have Widow's Wail and Oathkeeper resting side by side. _Two halves of the same old sword_ , he'd said. If he took his out of the room…

Is he leaving without saying goodbye?

She stands up in a blink and dresses up as fast as she can. No, she won't let him go without, at least, a farewell. Where is he going? Why is he leaving? He hadn't said a thing the whole day, and their night had been as passionate as always—

But he looked a bit out of it, now that she's thinking about it. His eyes were a bit glassy, as if he wasn't entirely in the moment. Looking back, his actions on her—their—bed seemed almost like an apology.

She shakes her head as she heads out. She won't think like that before finding him.

It doesn't take long. He's in the yard, near the main gate, readying his horse. He looks even duller, almost grieving. She hurries her steps. No, it cannot be what she's thinking.

"They are going to destroy that city", she warns him as soon as she's within his reach.

Without turning, he replies, "Have you ever run away from a fight?"

She grabs his arm, effectively stopping what he's doing. "No", she admits, "but this is no fight, Jaime. This is suicide." As gently as possible, she cups his cheeks. "You're not like your sister", she adds. "You're a good man, better than she is. You don't have to die with her."

At that, he snaps his eyes up to hers. "Stay with me", she asks softly, fighting back tears. She refuses to cry right now; her cries are usually hysteric—probably because she so seldom allows herself to let it out—and this is too important to get distracted by her own tears and sobs.

Absently, he raises his hand to touch hers and caresses her knuckles. Then he stops abruptly, as if he hadn't meant to do it. "You think I'm a good man", he says, half a question, his voice choked. "I pushed a boy out a tower window, crippled him for life, for _Cersei_. I strangled my cousin with my own hands, just to get back to _Cersei_. I would have murdered every man, woman and child in Riverrun, for _Cersei_." He begins to take her hand off his face, but she's stronger than him, so her hands stay firm on his cheeks. "She's _hateful_. And so am I."

He tries to step away from her. She moves her hands to his shoulders and holds him tightly. "Is this the same man who refused to apologize for what he did in the war?", she snaps. "Is this the same man who, in fact, did _not_ murder every man, woman and child in Riverrun? The same man who came to Winterfell all by himself, at the risk of being burned in the spot, just to keep a promise he did _not_ make in public? The same man who saved me from rape, _lost a hand for it_ , and then from being mauled by a bear? The same man who sent me to defend his sister's enemy House with the sword _he_ was meant to wield?" She shakes her head and pulls him closer. "Jaime, when I say you're a good man, I'm not being delusional. You've made mistakes, I _know_. You told me all of them rather proudly when we first met."

"Then why are you here?", he asks, voice so hollow her heart breaks.

 _Because I love you_ , she wants to scream. But no, she won't say the words she's kept for so long in the middle of the yard in an attempt to make him stay. They both deserve better than that. "Because I believe everyone can choose to be better", she says instead, but no less sincerely. "And you _did_. I've seen it." She takes a deep breath in another attempt to hold back her tears. "Stay with me for the night, at least. One more night, it's all I ask. Think more about it. If you still want to go, I'll go with you, but don't leave like this."

A couple tears fall, and she squeezes her eyes shut to hold the rest of them. She can't let him go to his death, she can't!

She feels a thumb on her cheek, drying her tears. She opens her eyes to see Jaime staring at her, looking sad but less dull. "One night", he promises.

* * *

He's in no state to do anything properly, she realizes as she guides him back to her—their—room. She has to help him unlace his boots, and even his jerkin is taken off slowly. His eyes remain glassy, and he only lays down when she pulls him close and hugs him.

She has no intention of falling back asleep tonight.

* * *

Less than an hour, he tries to sit up again. "The night is not over", she whispers as she tightens her hold on him.

"You don't understand", he hisses. "We were born together to die together."

His voice is mechanical, as if he's reciting something that he doesn't truly believe in. "Who told you that?"

"Cersei", he replies quietly. "Ever since we were children. We're twins. Two halves of a soul. How can I live if she dies?"

"Like everyone else does", she replies. "One day after another. It hurts—did you know I wasn't always an only child?" He raises his eyes to her, but doesn't reply. "He was four years older than me", she continues. "I called him Gal, because Galladon was too big of a name. I _worshipped_ him. When he drowned, I wanted to drown too, but my father stopped me." She places a hand on the back of his head. "I won't let you drown either."

That seems to convince him, for he gives up trying to sit up and buries his face on her neck.

* * *

It doesn't last long. "I helped her become who she is today", he claims. "She's on that damn chair because everyone else before her died—and why do you think they did?"

"It was war, Jaime", she reminds him. "You cannot possibly hold yourself responsible for an entire war."

"But it _was_ my fault", he insists. "If I hadn't pushed Bran Stark to his near death, his mother would not have held Tyrion hostage, Father would not have waged war in the riverlands, I wouldn't have attacked Ned Stark on the streets… And Stark would have little reason to investigate Cersei and I. If everyone accepted Joffrey as Robert's son, neither Stannis nor Renly would have declared war."

"You can't know that for sure", she replies. "Everything you said could have happened regardless. The war could have easily been declared without you doing a damn thing to push it."

"Still, it all began _because_ I fathered Cersei's children."

She won't have it. "Did you forget what you told me in the riverlands? When you found out about my feelings for Renly?" He frowns. "'We don't get to choose who we love.' And _you were right_. It applied to me back then, it applies to you and Cersei." It breaks her heart to talk about his love for his sister when her entire being longs for him, but she won't let him bury himself in guilt over the things he's done for love. "Do you really wish your children had not been born?"

He buries his fingers on her tight. "Having me as father only brought them suffering", he says, not really answering her.

"No, no", she denies. "Joffrey died for his own cruelty. We were both there, we _know_ why he was killed, even if we don't know who."

"Olenna Tyrell", he says suddenly. "She confessed it in her last moments. She didn't say it, but she wanted her granddaughter married to Tommen, not Joffrey."

She hugs him tighter. "And why do you think that is?"

"Because he was easier to control—"

"Because he was _good_ ", she cuts him off. "You said it yourself the other night, he and Myrcella were sweet kids. _Good_ kids, just like you. "

"I'm _not_ good, Brienne!", he snaps. "I don't know why you're lying to yourself that I am, but I'm an arrogant, selfish, sarcastic, violent, _cruel_ —"

"Piss off!", she snaps back. "This is _Cersei_ , not you. I'm _sorry_ that she made you think that you could not live without her, that you and her were the same person, but that could not be further from the truth. Do you think your sister regrets a single thing she has done?"

That shuts him up. He glances away from her, his gaze far away. Finally, he whispers, "She called Tommen a traitor. He _killed himself_ , and she called him a _traitor_." He sounds on the verge of crying.

She kisses the top of his head. "Jaime, death is not the only way to answer for your sins", she whispers back. "You can _atone_ for them. You already began to do so when you came here to fight for the living. You began way before, actually. I meant what I said to Lady Sansa that she would not be alive if not for you. Neither would I, and neither would Podrick."

This time, he buries his face in the valley between her breasts. She tries not to think of the other times he did it as she caresses his hair, hoping this time her words would be enough.

* * *

They are not—but, in her defense, the next time he tries to get off her, he comes with new information. "Cersei's pregnant", he says. "It could be mine, and—I should try to save her. At least until she gives birth."

She frowns. "It _could_ be yours? You're not sure?"

He shakes his head. "I only fucked her once after Tommen's death", he admits. "She claimed she wanted us to come out in public, but—I was too overwhelmed with grief to keep it up. I nearly refused her that one time." He takes a deep breath. "I haven't really desired her for a while. I stopped truly wanting her when I saw the sept burning. But—I'm _weak_ , Brienne, and she was the _queen_."

It sounds like he's apologizing for lying with another woman. Odd; Brienne has always thought _herself_ to be the other woman for him.

"It's okay, Jaime—"

"No, it's not", he insists. "I should not have fucked her. Now she's pregnant and I don't know if the baby is mine or Euron Greyjoy's. She—her whole life, Cersei complained about being sold off and whored for power. Now she _has_ the damn power, and _still_ whores herself. How could I—why did I ever think she'd be faithful?" She opens her mouth to argue, but he doesn't let her. "It matters not. There is still an innocent inside her. Mine or not, the baby doesn't deserve to die."

"Does Tyrion know?" He nods. "Then you already have an ally with the Dragon Queen. Your brother doesn't seem to be the type to let an innocent die if he could prevent it."

"But what if Daenerys doesn't listen to him?"

"Then your chances are even dimmer! If she doesn't listen to her _Hand_ , why would she listen to you, or anyone else?"

He tries to sit up again; she doesn't let him. "But I can save her—"

"No, you _can't_!", she all but shouts. "Jaime, Lady Arya and the Hound left Winterfell a fortnight ago, and there has _yet_ to be news on them reaching Daenerys' camp. You won't be able to reach King's Landing in time to get to Cersei. If you leave, you'll be considered a traitor and be executed."

"I can ride fast", he insists. "I have to _try_ —"

"No", she insists too.

Tears begin to fall. "Why are you doing this to me?", he asks, half-choking on his own tears. She feels his hand tremble at her side. "Why can't you let me go? Why do you _care_ if I'm going to my death? Just _let_ me pay for my sins—"

She doesn't even think. "Because _I love you_ , Jaime!", she roars. "I _love_ you, and I _won't let you go to your death_!" She sits up, but holds him even tighter to avoid his escape. "You say you're selfish? Well, _so am I_! I won't give you a choice when I know you'll choose to _die_!"

Something about her words makes him freeze completely. His lips are trembling, and his eyes look bright for the first time tonight, even if wet with tears.

"What—you love me?", he asks quietly, disbelievingly.

She kisses his forehead. "Of course I do", she replies softly. "Jaime, you were the first person to see the real me, respect me, protect me, trust me, care for me… Everyone else saw me as a tool, but you saw the real me and gave me things I didn't even know I wanted or needed until they were presented to me. You _knighted_ me, and if I did anything to earn the title, it's because _you made it possible_. You would not have done any of these things if you weren't an honorable, _good_ man, and I would not have fallen for you otherwise." She fixes her gaze on his emerald eyes. "I know you love your sister. I know I can't compete with her. I'm not asking you to love me back, marry me, or stay with me for the rest of your days. I'm only asking you to _live_. So _please_ , stay here, at least until this mess is all over and you are safe to go home."

For a long moment, he just stays there, staring at her, unmoving. Then, slowly, he cups her cheek with his flesh hand. "And if I do love you back?", he asks in a low voice, but it feels like he's shouting. "If I do want to spend the rest of my life, however short or long, at your side?"

She can't help a sob. "What?"

He leaves a ghost of a kiss on her lips. "Brienne, I may have many faults, but a fickle heart is not one of them. I would not have made love to you all these nights if my heart still belonged to Cersei in any way. You say I saved your life? You saved my _soul_. You believed me about Aerys when you did not have to, you trusted with me even when you were surrounded by your enemies in King's Landing, you trusted me to end the siege in Riverrun bloodlessly based on nothing but my word, you vouched for me here in Winterfell at the risk of your own life. Nobody has ever done for me what you did. _Of course_ I love you back."

She had promised herself she wouldn't cry, but how can she not, with such a confession? "But why—why would you rather die with Cersei rather than live with me?"

He caresses her cheek. "Because you deserve better than me", he replies quietly. "You're a great knight, Brienne, and you have an extraordinary life ahead of you. Me? I'm—"

"The man I want to have an extraordinary life with", she cuts him off, unwilling to hear him put himself down once more. "Let me keep you by my side, Jaime. Atone for your sins with me beside you. _Please_."

A dam breaks, and she begins to fully cry, with sobs and all. Jaime's arms encircle her, his hand on the back of her head. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry", he whispers in her ear. "I won't leave you, Brienne. I love you, I love you, I love you. I'll stay."

He's crying too, she realizes.

They fall asleep in each other's arms.

* * *

In the morning, he stays.

When news of Cersei's death comes, he grieves, but stays.

When they are summoned for a council to choose a new ruler, he stays by her side the whole ordeal.

When Brienne is named Lady Paramount of the stormlands—after her father's death at the hands of the Golden Company is confirmed—he stays as her husband.

He stays until the end of his days.

All it took was being loved. Who could have guessed it?

**Author's Note:**

> (I just want to emphasize that there is NO possible way Jaime could have arrived in King's Landing before it burned, considering he only left after Rhaegal and Missandei were killed. You want to tell me Daenerys waited a whole month to invade KL after her best friend's execution? Or worse, you want to convince me Jaime was actually a wizard and apparated to Dany's camp - instead of, you know, the Red Keep??? The lenghts one can go for unnecessary drama...)


End file.
